A pirates life for me

Odin, no ne zabeteiy.

2005-11-14T09:31:00.000-07:00

Here we are again.

It's been a long time since I've posted. Things started happening too fast and I didn't feel I would have done any of them justice by writing them out quickly without elaboration. It also got to be a bit painful to live them all twice. Let me try and recap since we last spoke.

Well. Thanksgiving weekend was a turning point if nothing else. I went up on Friday with Mas, Francois, Nicola, Justin and others. There were probably about 15 people up there in total. They all seemed nice enough but I just wasn't feeling the whole scene. Everyone was partying and running around like mad men. I tried to follow suit and get trashed but to no avail. Saturday morning I woke feeling very unsure about Niela and I and feeling ever more unsure about myself. I caught the next caravan back into Antigonish and spent the rest of the long weekend by myself (basically) in residence. I talked with Niela a couple times but as per usual she had other things on the go and didn't really have time to give me what I wanted. Not that I could have expected her to, it was unrealistic of me to expect that she could keep me company over the phone... Turns out after the fact that this weekend ended up being tragic but I'll get to that later. For now just keep in mind that I came home to be alone because I was upset about Niela and I.

The following weeks were trying as Niela kept reassuring me things were fine. Never saying much about her own life and never questioning anything about mine. This could have gone on forever I'm guessing but I started getting phone calls from old friends and co-workers from home. Each call was the same. Small chat to see how I was doing before jumping into some topic about Niela to segway to them telling me she's been hanging out with Dave all the time. That she's doing things that would make her jealous if it were me doing them. They even went as far to explain to me that people had begun to misconstrue Dave and Niela for a couple. They were worried we weren't both on the same page and that they'd hate to see me hurt again...

At first I tried to take things in stride and make my own judgement but the more I thought about the more I realised Niela would never tell me who she was with, what she had been doing, or even give me the whole truth. So I confronted her about it once the evidence proved itself to be unavoidable. She came clean (I guess) in telling me that she hadn't felt that it was necessary to tell me when she had been with Dave because she wanted to give us some time to recuperate from the last bout of disaster... I still don't understand the logic behind that thought.

So then why did it bother me so much? Everyone tells a white lie here and there… Well you remember how I had come home thanksgiving weekend to talk to Niela. I had also called my parents that weekend and asked them if they would mind inviting Niela over for thanksgiving dinner as I knew she had already turned Dave down (who had grand plans of making her dinner) and she didn’t have any family in Calgary so I figured then she could atleast be with someone. They said it would have made them uncomfortable (I don’t blame them for that) and I didn’t push the matter but I knew how it would have been lonely for Niela to be alone on Thanksgiving as I was going through much the same thing. Either way after I confronted Niela about her not telling me the whole truth it turns out she had in fact gotten off the phone with me that thanksgiving Sunday to “have a nap” and somehow ended up having dinner with Dave and his roommates. So here I am, alone on thanksgiving missing my girlfriend and even having gone as far as to ask my parents to have her over for dinner without me there and she turns around and has a nice thanksgiving dinner with her boss who she also happens to have cheated on me with… Anyways it’s these kind of situations which are the result of “sparing” your partner important information. This was also one of the many times she said she was going to call me later and never did.

As this is again seemingly going to take forever to write out I am regrettably going to summarize the rest of the story. Basically Niela came to visit and we had 2 days of being in love (nothing could have distracted us from each other), we had 4 days of arguing and puking up all the shit that was bothering us (like why would I have left Calgary if I had her there, etc.), 3 days of avoiding what we knew was coming (the break up discussion), and then the most numbing 2 days of the trip in which we were realizing that it was over...

I miss her very much. There isn't a day, or even an hour that goes by that I don't think of her. I've contemplated quitting school, transferring universities, studying something else all together... anything to try and give myself some hope that we can still be together. I'm a hollow shell of a person as I'm realizing that the only thing that has made me happy for the past 7 months was making Niela happy. Knowing that if nothing else at least I had succeeded with her. That all seems to have been for not. I've failed with her and worst of all it means I sacrificed and offered myself for nothing. I feel worthless.

I'm here now at St.FX without a hope or dream in the world. I'm amidst the most engaging and exciting opportunities of my short life and I can't feel that they're worthwhile. I hold on to the pain of Niela because it's all I have left of her. I sit desperately by the phone waiting for her to call me back when I've made the mistake or reaching out to her for support. My mind is in constant turmoil and even the simplest tasks seem to require my entire being's energy to focus on. I'm getting behind in my classes and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel that is less than a month away. I'm pathetic. I've lost the only thing that was dear to me and have unfortunately no ability to comprehend that I still have myself or rather to understand that myself is enough without her being a part of it...

I'm alone in this struggle. No matter how much someone loves me this is one battle I have to fight alone. May god have mercy on my soul.

Theron Davis

p.s- Title translation from Russian to English “Alone, but not forgotten.”

Time is of the essence

2005-10-07T12:51:00.000-06:00

I don't have much time for this post as I am about to leave for a weekend chez Mas. We're all heading up to her cabin for thanksgiving. It should be good times. I'll be gone all weekend and will miss being able to talk to my loved ones however I'm sure they'll survive without me around.

How am I these days? Well. To spare you a long read basically I've arrived at the point where Niela knows I love her, she knows I want to be with her and have her be with me... Now it's up to her to decided where she wants to be. For the most part I feel that she has decided to be with me. She's talked about moving out here next year. She's coming to visit on the 26th which should be spectacular. She says that she loves me and that I'm the only one for her. Like I said. Time will tell. Not to say I don't believe her but it going to take time to get things back on track. The good news is however that we're moving past the bad and into the good.

What will I be thankful for this thanksgiving? True love. Whether I've found it or not, although I'd like to believe I have, it's still worthy of any praise the world has to offer.

Happy thanksgiving everyone.

Theron Davis

A new hope

2005-09-23T12:48:00.000-06:00

The most important thing for me to have taken out of this entire situation was a belief in my self. I needed to be able to deal with this, and still will in the future, all the while maintaining who I am. Maintaining what I believe in. I feel resolved. I'm feeling better. The conclusion that I came to last night on the phone with Niela is that I am a good person for loving and trusting others. Sometimes that can result in being hurt but what is commitment without uncertainty?

After talking for a long time last night on the phone I've decided to stay true to what I truly feel. I don't believe in absolutes and so I must therefore be ever mindful of the days, months and years to come. For now however I have to try and forgive Niela. I love her. People make mistakes. I would hope that if it were me who had made the mistake I could be forgiven.

"To forget is human. To forgive is godly."

Not that I'm claiming any right to divinity but one must always aspire to be the best person they can be. I can't denounce the love that I feel for Niela because that's not the person I am. I can't be vengeful and try to punish her for what she has done. I can only try to forgive and trust in whatever powers there are out there that this positive energy will come back to me in due course. I'm not suggesting either that the reason I've decided to begin the process of reconciliation is to reap some future benefit. What it really boils down to in the end is that I love her. With all my heart and soul. I hope that she loves me as well.

Obviously I proceed now with trepid feet but never the less I want to forgive Niela's mistake. I truly feel as if she understands the pain and grief she has caused. I need to believe she understands not only the pain she feels herself but also the pain I'm feeling. I need to believe she'll start working towards solving the root of this problem which we have identified mutually as being a lack of independence. She needs to start searching through her own soul to find the beautiful person that everyone around her sees. She needs to start doing things for herself. Loving herself. I hope too that she truly does love me. I'm gambling a lot right now but I have decided to put my faith in her once again. If I don't then I won't be able to respect my own person.

Aside from recent events Niela also still needs to find where she wants to be. I want her to be with me but she can't make that decision for me. She'll have to truly make that decision for herself. I just hope it leads her to me.

I didn't realize at the time but Niela and I have seemed to parallel my parents own relationship. When my mother met my father in small town Alameda he told her he was leaving for school as soon as he could. They dated and fell in love and my father left. The only difference is that when he did my mother left with him. Not to say that I'm disappointed Niela didn't come with me but I just found it interesting to see how similar the situations have proven to be.

I feel at peace. My stomach has relaxed and my body seems to have calmed down. The last ripples of my previously turbulent soul are lapping gently against the coastline now. Obviously this will not be better with the snap of a finger but at least I know now that Niela and I can start traveling down the path of life together again. Like I've said before. She's a part of me, I can't help but feel incomplete without her in my life.

I can't wait for her to come for Halloween. I can't wait to hold her. Smell her. I'm worried that our kisses will be different but I can only have faith that the passion we share for one another will not be trampled in this ordeal. I am hopeful again.

Love hard. Play hard. Fall Hard. Live completely.

Theron Davis

Devastated

2005-09-22T12:47:00.000-06:00

Here I am. Devasted. Perplexed. Scared. Astounded. Paralyzed.

I'm writting now in one of my most sober moments. Hopefully I can articulate most of what's running through my head.

I finally spoke with Niela this morning at 4:15am my time. Before we spoke I had come to the conclusion, despite my pain, that an old proverb held timeless wisdom for the situation.

"If you love something, then let it go.
If it comes back to you, you have it
If it doesn't, you never did."

There was so much on my mind after we spoke on Sunday that I couldn't fathom finding resolution in the amount of time I was given. Everything that was running through my head was too complex, too close to my person, so I chose to stick with that and let life take it's course.

The call this morning has added new dimensions to my unsettled mind. Niela reported to me that she had made out with my old manager Dave. The same manager who slept with my friend Francois' girlfriend before they were dating and then pawned it off like it had never happened. Oh and don't forget Breanna was 18 and Dave is 28... He's also the same manager that fooled around with our mutual friend Sejra and then pawned it off like it had never happened. The same manager that despite all this I had tried to be nice to and invited him out on several different occasions so that he didn't feel totally alienated. The same manager that I thought I was friends with right up until I left. The same manager that Niela spent the whole night at the Roadhouse dancing with on our last night out (the staff party). The same manager that spends every shift flirting with all the waitresses. The same manager that Niela knew all of this about. The same... it could go on. Either way. This is where I'm left.

The phone conversation wasn't long. I simply told Niela I didn't know how to react right away and that I was going to need some time to think about it. I told her I love her and I do. I told her that the reason she did it was most likely because she is constantly getting validation from her boyfriends, or less specifically those around her. She for some reason bought into Dave's bullshit and I assume it's because I wasn't there to validate her. So rather than look inside and try to start being independant she simply acted on whatever else was out there. I told her I needed to know that if I took time to think about it she would start trying to find herself and not just run off on me. She was apologetic and expressed how she thought it would make her feel better but it really just made her feel a million times worse. She expressed, I think, how she still wanted to be with me and was afraid to loose me. I'm not sure if she will or not. I'm still trying to deal with it. Conversation ended. I couldn't sleep. I've been awake for a long time and can't eat or sleep or even think. My sleep is plagued with nightmares of the scene playing over and over in my head. My stomach is in knots... I'm paralyzed.

I'm defeated. I took a long break in between the previous part of this text and now. I'm just so utterly devasted. I've never been hurt this bad. To think that it is someone to whom I devoted so much is destroying my very belief system. I've giving my soul, my mind, my worlds, my future... everything to this girl and she has renounced it. She's thrown it back in my face. It's like everything we had means nothing anymore. I'm away. I can't be there with her to try and get this figured out. I am alone in my insanity.

I need to know everything about it. How it happened? When it happened? Why she did it? Was it passionate? How long did they kiss for? Did anything else happen? Did she realise what this was going to do to me? Did she realise she was loosing me to that moment of weakness? I just can't see how I can ever recover from this. My whole being has been consumed by it. My body is physically exhausted. Every ounce of my flesh is shaking in pain. I can't make sense of anything. What was she hoping to get out of the situation? The guy is her boss! He's almost 30 years old! He's the biggest fucking douche bag in the world... I thought I meant more to her than that.

I had so many things I wanted to know, so many thoughts that materialized in my mind before I started thinking about it so much. It's all disolving now into one seething mass of pain. My very being is at stake and I feel like it's already been destroyed.

This happened to me before, with my ex-girlfriend Cailey. It plunged me into a year long state of complete and all encompassing depression. Here I am now having the same thing happen but with someone I loved so much more. Someone I was so passionate about. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

In the past when I would get jealous she would always assure me "I'm yours". She always expressed that she didn't find other people attractive that way and that I was the only one she wanted to be with. That's all been a lie now. The fundamental principles upon which we built our relationship have been abolished in one fell swoop. Everything we had. Everything we were going to have... it all means nothing. So then what's the problem? Move on right? I can't. I love her. I'm surprised my soul hasn't just burst out of my chest taking my life with it on the way. It's like I'm stuck between two equally powerful sources of gravity and every molecule in my body is fighting to go in opposite directions.

I'm not ok.

I can't let myself be destroyed. I have responsibilities here. A lot of money has been invested in this. My mind is just so thoroughly paralyzed that I can't even think. I am defeated.

Like I said everything I had wanted to say has disapeared now into reaches of my mind that cannot be touched. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism. Perhaps I'm just overwhelmed.

I loved her so much. I was so faithful. I was so comitted. All for what? To be renounced? I don't know when I will recover from this. I can't even continue writting.

Theron Davis

ataraxia

2005-09-19T12:40:00.000-06:00

def. [calmness untroubled by mental or emotional disquiet]

I write this post in a moment of great despair and desperate hope. As per the title I'm doing my best to remain objective and try to maintain my inner stability, however fragile it may be. My new worlds are clashing all around me and I have no ability to harness either force as I'm figuratively bound at the wrists. Niela, in our most recent conversation, has isolated me from her life. She said a lot of things some of which I'm petrified by, some which have left me confused and others still that I can't absorb. To accurately depict how I'm feeling now I'm going to give my own experience as honestly as I can fearing not the repercussions of her ever reading it. I feel that without honesty I won't be able to recover anything regardless of the outcome...

When we started the conversation things were fine. We discussed the usual "how are you"s and "what have you been doing"s. Without warning however the conversation took a drastic turn, lead by her, towards more serious and perhaps pressing matters. She began to state how it's incredibly painful for her to have me be so far away. That she misses and desperately longs for the intimacy we had previously shared. Obviously I was of the same opinion however it seems we had differing views on what this meant. In conversations previous to the last one I had tried to push Niela towards figuring out where she wanted to be tomorrow, next month, next year... Perhaps I shouldn't have but regardless I was alone and unsure of where we were going and I wanted to know whether or not our paths were going to converge. I couldn't go on wondering whether in four years we would be at the same place in life or whether my decision to attend st.Fx had indefinitely set us in different directions, despite the fact that the decision had been made before we met. I figured once I knew where she was going I would be able to decide more aptly where I wanted to be after my degree. I was convinced however that I wanted to be with her no matter what. Since I've been here the pain and the suffering have been cold and solid affirmations that Niela is the one for me. Everytime I'd meet someone new here at X, and remember this statement, I saw someone that didn't compare to her. I'd see someone that may have had their own strengths and attractive qualities but they weren't her. Niela's qualities, that I discovered and fell in love with over the past 5 months, have become my definition of what I want. Intentionally or otherwise the fact remains that Niela has become my ideal companion. Why would I want to be apart from someone who is so clearly my puzzle piece? I tried my best to show this despite my physical absence. I made sure to replace the stuff that had been stolen out of my fathers truck in the move. I sent her my laptop so that we would be able to talk on msn. I called her everyday to remind her that she was still the apple in my eye despite all the new things I was discovering. I also called her because previously she had said that she couldn't have me calling every couple days like it had been with previous boyfriends. Again I seem to have been counter-productive in my efforts. She felt or feels that by me calling her and by me trying to be with her even while I'm away I am simply bringing her pain by reminding her that I'm not there. Even being out and meeting new guys, winking at them (as she said, why is she winking at other guys!?), talking to them she is constantly reminded that I'm not there with her. Now whether that means she doesn't want to be hindered by having a boyfriend right now or if she is actually sad that she can't do that with me was left undefined, pessimistically I've assumed the prior. I don't see how I can change the fact that I'm not there so I'm left to accept the way she feels. I can't be there with her now so I can't influence how she's feeling. For me however her memory is a welcome visitor, no matter how often it appears (which is often). Apparently my memory is a poison to her soul. She concluded this segment by saying how she has to avoid things that hurt her, i.e. my memory.

She continued on to express how she feels like she isn't good for me. She doesn't know herself so how can she offer herself to me? Firstly I don't want her to offer herself to me. I want her to share herself with me. No one really ever knows who they are! It's just something you always have to work at. The entirety of your life is a journey partially devoted towards the discovery of ones self. Regardless I quickly stated that A) it's my decision whether or not she's "good" for me and I've obviously come to the conclusion that she is and B) if she feels like she doesn't know herself then she needs to work towards finding some satisfactory understanding of her inner being. It won't just happen overnight and I'm not there smothering her progress. I'm all the way on the other side of the country. How much more space does a person need? You have to work at it for yourself but that doesn't mean you can't still be with someone you love. I suggested taking time for herself. Getting involved in something like dance or art classes. Going for runs. Requesting days off at work. All of which I had suggested before I left for the record. I can understand how she's feeling a little lost right now but so I am! We've both left the life that we co-existed in. In my confusion however I still know that she's an excellent support and a loving partner. I don't see how I could fathom the idea that her being a part of my life is counter productive to me finding myself. She is part of myself. I want her to be. Taking this opportunity to segway to the catalyst of the evening she said she needed time away from me to figure things out. She didn't want to break up she just didn't feel like she could get herself figured out with me in her life. How does that make any sense? I'm not there. I'm here with her mind because I love her. I don't understand why she needs completely separate herself from me to try and find herself. Unless finding herself involves seeing other people.

The pain of my memory, her feeling like she doesn't know herself, her longing for intimacy... They seemed to have all come to a boiling point within the span of 2 weeks and so she has decided to separate herself from me. She said that if I love her I would give her time. She asked me not to call so I told her to call me when she was ready to talk. So now I wait. Scared, hurt and alone in my uncertainty I wait.

Hours seem like days, memories of her are fleeting gold... I'm afraid. I'm afraid this is the preamble of her telling me she wants to separate. I'm afraid her motivation stems from her desire to find validation from another partner as opposed to her need to find validation from within. I'm afraid that she's already replaced me. I'm afraid that what we had meant nothing to her. I'm afraid that I've committed myself and that impending disaster approaches.

As a side note she just logged onto to MSN. I sit here now my stomach in knots hoping she'll message me... I know I can't message her. So much hangs in the balance. This feeling is all too familiar and I hate where it leads me.

I know I can't think of this as a life or death event but I can't help but feel like my whole person is at stake here.

How does she expect me to respond to this?! I'm here being treated like a commodity. When the product is harder to get you diversify your economy to consume other products. Then you pick up the old commodity when it's convenient for you again. I don't know how I'm going to feel good about this at the end of the day. I love her. I want her to be happy but I am not something you can just have when it's easy and then let go when the going gets tough. I'm a person. I think I'm a good partner. For her to be questioning whether or not she wants to be with me is the antithesis of what I had hoped we had. Unconditional love. Something that surpassed all borders. That's what I felt we had. Now... I'm confused. I still have hope. I still feel like I love her but I won't let myself be destroyed. I won't let my person be tossed away like garbage. I have to believe I'm better than that.

It hurts though. It hurts so bad. Once pain like this has been dished out I don't know how things can be right again.

"The moment you think you want to separate from your partner than do so, undoubtedly moments of hardship and doubt will materialize but you should never feel like you want to separate. There's no coming back from that."

I've never once felt that way about Niela and I still don't but I am devastated right now. All my love, my effort, my trust is being thrust back in my face. My devotion, my commitment... It seems to be all for not...

Desperately, Theron Davis

Believe, believe in me.

2005-09-15T12:50:00.000-06:00

Welcome. I'm awake and sick at 1:00am. Again...

I find comfort in the night. Something about knowing people are around but none of them are actually in my presence gives me confidence. Allows me the freedom to know that everything is going to be alright. Strange thought but apparently the case none the less.

Another hard night. Tomorrow's Friday. Hopefully the weekend will be eventful. I need something to keep myself going. I'm feeling very detached from Niela. Detached from a part of my inner self. I feel incomplete. She's out tonight. Gone to the Den with old friends from home. Friends of x-boyfriends. X-boyfriends may even be present. She said she would be late and that she didn't think I should wait up for her. I'm weak. I can't handle this right now. I can't stop coughing, I can't stop thinking about Niela, I can't stop feeling I'm missing out while she's rocking out... I'm falling victim to my insecurities. I know it. I still can't help but feel it though. I think I should probably just go to sleep.

Tonight I played in the rain with Mas, Nicola, and Francois. It was glorious weather despite my cold. I also attended the societies night at the SUB and signed about a million email lists. Two that I would like to follow up with for sure? The surfing society and the dancing society. Learn to surf and learn to dance. The surfing for myself and the dancing for Niela.

I'm debating whether or not to get a tattoo. I want to get an "art deco" rendition of a phoenix ascending my right shoulder blade. Why? Because I think it would look cool basically. I want to get out of my by the book, follow the rules, predictable state of mind. It would be there forever though... Who knows. Maybe if I found the right design.

I don't really want to write anymore. There is so much seething through my mind and I have so little ability to express it that I'm just getting frustrated.

I miss Niela. I miss simplicity. I'm insecure. I'm happy where I am. I'm thankful for new companionship.

Until next time.

Theron Davis

Crumbling difference between wrong and right.

2005-09-14T23:22:00.000-06:00

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness."
-Friedrich Nietzsche

So here I am. Established and existing. Miles away from those I love and feeling every kilometer. Tonight's a hard night. It comes and goes like the ebb and flow of ocean waves. Low tide has inevitably set in and my body has taken the physical disposition there in. I'm sick. I miss my family and especially Niela. Not to over exhaust the use of quotes but as my new companion Nicola left for me this morning:

"Love knows not it's own depth until the hour of separation"

I can't find a reason that I don't like being back at school, or even a reason I don't like being here in Antigonish but I still feel sad. I just can't help but wonder how it's going to work with me being here and Niela being there (Calgary). Reviewing what I just wrote I think this will prove to be one of those passages that I will be able to laugh at later in life when I know what ended up happening. For clarification however I want to state that I'm not questioning whether Niela and I will work. I've never felt so certain that I'm truly in love with someone. I'm simply worried about what I might have to sacrifice to be with her...

It's to the point where I almost wonder why I'm here. I love the institution, I've met several stellar people, I'm growing as a person but at the end of the day is this going to lead me somewhere or simply be something I did for four years. I would love to do something like film. Something creative. Maybe once I get past 1st or even 2nd year I'll find that I'm given more poetic license but for now I just feel like I'm being molded as opposed to creating. This undertaking won't be easy to dismount from. I've already committed to much to pull out so therefore I have now only the ability to make the best of it.

In terms of people I've met seens as I've brought it up several times I think it's important to mention two people. Sam Armstrong and Nicola Johnston. Both very dear souls. They've been so helpful in my transition to this new environment. Keeping me company, making me laugh, letting me know I'm not alone. I can't thank them enough for what they've done despite that they may not even realize.

There's much more to say. So many new things are happening but for now just know that I am here. That I am adjusting. That I miss Niela most of all. That I will survive and flourish.

Theron Davis

Somethings have to be said

2005-08-31T22:44:00.000-06:00

Upon rereading a large part of my blog I've left out several important facts. First one I'd like to get across is after the whole Hoeblack debacle I reacted very immaturely. It seems that it had lodged itself somewhere in my psyche and was subconsciously brewing poison all the while I was assuming it was pre-move tension. It finally became a problem on Niela and mine's last night to really have it at 'er. The staff part on the 28th of August was a very poor show of my character. As soon as we got there I made little effort to celebrate the evening with Niela which I now obviously regret and I continued to be distant when she obviously needed me to be close. I spent most of the night sulking or saying good bye to work friends where as I should have been out there showing Niela that she was still my only burning desire. It wasn't totally my fault however Niela seemed to have spent the majority of the night dancing on bars, speakers, stages or with my old manager Dave. Now this not being my fault is contentious because it leads us into the whole Chicken or the Egg debate. I was being distant because I was resentful and scared of her previous transgressions. She was mad and insecure that I was being distant. Regardless of which caused which to fester first the evening went very poorly. The only time I did track her down to dance she was dancing with Dave and rather than put myself out there I decided to be cowardly and pull away. It was safer that way. Then later on in the evening we went to the washroom together but I unthinkingly returned to the table I had taken up post at for the majority of the evening without waiting for her, even typing this out now I feel sad. It was rude of me to do so and I think I knew it at the time. She waited for me alone by the washrooms. Even asked some random passer by to check for me. Then she returned to find me at the table. Then she asked for the keys and left without another word. Obviously I followed her but I'm still ashamed to have to report such poor behavior on my part. When Niela needed me most to show her that I loved her I was pulling away and being an asshole to try and protect myself from hurt. That's cold. I regret it now but you live you learn. I just can't let it happen again. Je m'excuse mon amour.

Also please realize that after such arguments as when Hoeblack and Niela kissed there was eventual reconciliation. I just didn't report it. I realize at this moment I'm missing Niela and feel the need to do her justice but in all honesty we've made amends for even the smallest of disagreements.

I can't express enough how terribly in love with this girl I am. If the powers that be pay me any heed than hear this: don't lead me towards heartbreak, for I am so close now to the epicenter of vulnerability that if anything were to crack I would inevitably be lost in the super nova.

Theron Davis

To the brink and back again

2005-08-03T15:05:00.000-06:00

Well. Lot's has happened since my last post. Let me fill you in.

Good news first or bad news? Bad of course, that way you're saving the best for last.

Well Niela and I got into quite the dispute last Wednesday (July 27th, 05). See there's this guy at Luciano's and his name is Mike Hoeblack. He's a decent guy who has a girlfriend but he flirts sooooooo much with all the waitresses. Whatever, that's fine. Flirting is fine. So the other day I get to work and Niela comes outside and says "Hey Theron! Guess what? I got married to Hoeblack." I was like "..." and then I was a little pissed for awhile but no big deal it was just a joke. Then a couple days later (the 27th) we're sitting at Breanna's house chilling and having a beverage or two when she comes outside and announces to the whole deck full of people that she kissed Hoeblack, haha... isn't that hilarious... I was thrown off because I hadn't heard about it before then but I dealt with it well and just pretended like it was no big deal. Shortly after the subject had changed I proceeded to go lie down alone until we were ready to leave (I wasn't interested in talking with anyone after hearing that). Niela finds me shortly after I had escaped and asks me what I'm doing alone etc. etc. She starts to go off about how I can't be upset about this. It was just a peck on the lips, it was just a joke. All the while in my mind I'm thinking "There's a line between kidding and doing. A kiss is definitely over that line." Anyways I didn't want to talk about it and our ride was leaving so we went home and went to bed without any further discussion. The next morning I got up and left for work (Thursday, the day we were leaving for the lake) and called her only to tell her we were going to leaving after work at Luciano's. When I got home from Husky she was also home and we packed however I was not interested in talking to her as I was quite upset. Let's keep in mind that Cailey also "kissed" someone while we were dating (it was more made out but still...). So it's a bit of a sour spot. Finally she dragged out of me the fact that I was still upset about it. She then continued to attack me with things like "You can't cage me!", "I need freedom", "Breanna thinks it's ridiculous that you're upset about this", "It's your issue to deal with and you can either decide to change or this will be a problem forever", "I don't want to live in fear that any little thing I do might hurt your feelings"... Now the thing is, and I won't hide the fact, I have a hard time defending myself against Niela. She seems to have a sense of logic very foreign to my own. It's not that it doesn't make sense I just can't seem to find a way to disprove what she's saying even though I believe so strongly against it. If I have a reason to believe strongly against was she’s saying I should be able to support why her belief is wrong should I not? That “discussion” basically left me upset, hurt, and battered. I waved my white flag and told her that if it was my problem to deal with then she shouldn't worry herself with me and we should go to work. In the end I'm confident that I'm a faithful and worthwhile partner so if she really wants to disown her responsibility for things I find to be inappropriate and let me solve them by myself then so be it but keep in mind the more alone I am in the relationship the more likely it is to end... I mean why be in a relationship with someone who attacks you for feelings upset and tells you to deal with it or suffer the consequences. Either way we leave for work. At work I will admit I was pretty much defeated. I just worked without saying much. I couldn't really feel "upset" or "jealous" anymore as that was apparently an absurd reaction to her kissing someone so I just went on with my work and thought long and hard about what had happened. If it becomes a common theme then I would consider myself to have found an abusive partner. After work was done we got in the car and my Dad drove us back to Saskatchewan. Later that night she said how she was sorry she had kissed Hoeblack and how she wouldn't do it again. Thanks… but I still can't forget how she had reacted previously. Maybe she was adopting the theory that the best defense is a strong offense... Either way I wanted to just let it go and enjoy my weekend. So I did.

The weekend went well. No major problems. Niela met a lot of my family. Everyone seemed to like her. The weather was great and we had fun. There’s tons more to say here and upon review I still owe you some good news. We had to sleep in separate beds but otherwise my family and Niela got along wonderfully. All weekend with only one shower and Niela’s hair was gorgeous. She has wavy, scraggly, wild hair that was just off the wall but I loved every minute of it! The wedding was fun despite not drinking and us Davis’ were the only ones dancing! It’s probably best that way though because we were the best at it! The food was great and now I can’t seem to eat enough to stay full after being used to filling myself so thoroughly all weekend.

Now let’s get back to Tuesday night after I had come to pick Niela up from work. She asked me if I had gone out for lunch with Sheiva last Thursday. I had so I said yes. I had told her previously I was going to and even offered to cancel if it was bothersome to her. She had said it would bother her but that she didn't want me to cancel. Now however she's upset because I hadn't told her that I had in fact gone for lunch. Apparently telling her before hand was not enough. I have to tell her before hand and afterwards even if she doesn't ask. I thought this was quite ridiculous as she started comparing it to the whole Hoeblack incident. Again I didn't want to get involved in it so I simply told her it was different and that if it bothered her I wouldn't go for lunch with Sheiva anymore. End of story. Despite the fact that she wanted to make a big deal of it.

That brings us to today. Things are of course well with Niela and I. Despite our argumentation and fighting we are always happy to see one and other. Oh I almost forgot but I have ordered a new computer. It's due on Friday and I'm terribly excited for it. Here's the specs:

Processor: Intel Pentium 4 3.00E GHz 800FSB w/ 1MB Cache, Hyper-ThreadingCPU
Heatsink / Fan: Intel Retail Heatsink and Fan included with CPU
Motherboard: Asus P4P800-E Deluxe-UAY w/ DualDDR400, Audio, GB LAN, SATA, IDE RAID, 1394
Memory: Kingston HyperX 1GB PC3200 Dual Channel DDR Kit (2 x 512MB)
Case: Aspire X-Cruiser Mid Tower w/ Side Window, Silver
Power Supply: Enermax 420W EG425P-VE SFMA Noisetaker
Hard Drive: Western Digital 160GB Caviar 7200rpm Serial ATA 8MB Cache
Optical Drive: BenQ DW1640 16x16 Dual Layer DVD+/-RW, BlackVideo Cards: Sapphire Radeon X800 PRO 256MB AGP w/ TV-Out, DVI (Retail)
Monitor: Samsung SyncMaster 913T (LCD, 19in, 8ms, Silver-Black)
Sound Card: Onboard 8-Channel 7.1 AudioEthernet Cards: Onboard 10/100/1000 Gigabit Lan
Operating System: Microsoft Windows XP Home Edition oem

All said and told it was very expensive but it's going to be wicked awesome for school next year!

I've had enough writing for now. I hope you enjoyed that episode. Until next time.

Theron Davis

She still fucks like a tease

2005-07-25T09:52:00.000-06:00

Well. Weekend over. Back at work. I want to take this Friday off so that I can have a four day weekend. That means I've got lots of work to get done in the next couple days. This weekend should be good though. Drive back to Saskatchewan Thursday night. Spend Friday at the beach. Have a fire Friday night. Saturday will be spent visiting family and getting ready for the wedding. Saturday night will be the wedding. Sunday will be more visiting family (I would assume) and then Monday morning drive home. Hopefully it will give CB and me a chance to unwind and de-stress. Things have been a little taught lately. This weekend? Well I worked Friday night. Had breakfast with me pappy Saturday morning and then worked Saturday night. Sunday I slept in ‘til 2:00 to try and catch up on some sleep. Sunday night was spent at Don Quijote's for dinner and Salsa lessons. It was alright. I like to learn things when I know everyone else is also learning them. Basically I just like to feel that I'm not the only one who's bad at whatever it is I'm learning. At these lessons everyone else was just as bad as I was except for Niela. She's an excellent dancer and I just found that A) she got bored with the easy stuff before I had it down and B) she's really hard to lead. It's not her fault she's just done so much dancing that doesn't involve a partner that she's not used to it. Her hearts in the right place though, she was trying to let me lead. Overall it was fun but of course as per usual someone came and asked Niela to dance while I was away from the table. I don't know why it bothers me so much when it happens but it seriously drives me up the wall. I mean put yourself in my position. You don't feel confident with your dancing. You do your best to dance and make sure that your date has a good time. You leave for 2 seconds and come back to your date out of the dance floor with someone else. It made me feel like I wasn't a good enough dancer to have satisfied her needs. It also makes me mad that some other guy is dancing with my girlfriend, touching her, leading her... Makes me feel insecure that maybe she's having a better time dancing with him... Am I so wrong to feel these things? We happened to be on a triple date and none of the other girlfriends we were with seemed to need to dance with other people. Not because their dates were any better dancers than myself either for the record. It's not that I don't want her to dance with someone who had the courage to come ask her but I mean common this guy was some old shady bastard. Had it been me in her position I would have politely declined the offer and continued on with the conversation at the table. In reality if she wanted to do it then who am I to stop her. I guess I just don’t understand why she wanted to... oh well. As Kim'O says “Whatever”.

I went home for lunch and looked through Niela's picture album which was sitting on the table in the living room. Again. Painful. There's just something about seeing her there, with other guys (for some reason she always has to be hanging off the guys she’s in the pictures with), having what appears to be a great time. When she talks about it (the summer after her grade 12 year) she says it was the best time of her life. From what I can see it was just a lot of drinking and hanging out with the same group of small people not really doing anything at all. A little different than my summer after grade 12. I don't know why it bothers me. I guess I need to learn to let it go. The hard part for me though is letting go of the pain without letting go of the person. There in lies the challenge.

This post came in two parts. It was a whole day effort as I had time to work on it in the morning and then had time to work on it this afternoon. Hope it makes sense and has contributed something other than immature insecurities to the thread. Until next time.

Theron Davis

Been a long time coming

2005-07-21T14:09:00.000-06:00

Well. This post has been a long time coming. Again I've managed to become overwhelmed with commitments and responsibilities. Nothing I can't handle however it makes things such as posting in my online diary a little lower on the priority list. Let me get you up to date.

I managed to solve my money situation by getting two jobs. After two months of completely blowing my budget I'm back on track. I have been bussing tables at the restaurant (Luciano's) that Francois and Niela work at. I've recently been promoted to full time Bartender and got a raise. I'm glad I did because I was running out of motivation doing the same old thing... and doing it well... without any hope for promotion. Problem solved however as I really do enjoy bartending. It requires a little more thought and is quite frankly more fun. Not only do I have more of a chance to interact with people but the added prestige is nice. Going from working at husky everyday in my own office etc. to my night job of being the bitch busser at some middle class restaurant was a bit of a slap in the face. Patience and diligence are always rewarded by those who have eyes enough to see the effort involved. Thanks Johnny Mac! ;) Either way money is back on track and school is fast approaching.

On the subject of school I will take a moment now to express the excitement and the angst slowly growing within me. Approximately a month from now I will find myself on a plane half way across the world... fully across the country to return to my studies in Anitgonish Nova Scotia. I'm worried something might go wrong for some reason and it may end up not working out... Past school experiences thwarting my right to attend, insufficient funds, homesickness... In the end though I know it's going to work. I'm not worried. I know I'll do well too. I have to. Part of me wants it to come tomorrow and other parts of me don't want it to come at all. I'm working like crazy and seem to have very little time for myself so in that respect school will be a vacation. School will also take me away from the ones I love. Far away. It will, regardless of anything however, be a change. A defining time in my life. I look forward to seeing what it changes about me.

In terms of romance I've come across several issues with Niela that were prevalent in my last relationship. I hate to say it but they could be directly correlated with my persona as opposed to being something my partner is dealing with. What things you ask? A lack of excitement. The relationship has apparently become too comfortable and is missing that desperately mysterious quality which seems to excite so many. I've not lost any satisfaction with the way things are going but she has. Things would be different if we weren't living together (worse most likely) and if I wasn't leaving for school. Regardless I just can't help but feel intimidated by this. It was the same with Cailey. We got to a point in the relationship where she didn't feel things were alive. Like there was no spontaneity left. Perhaps that's just the way I am once I get settled. Is that such a bad thing? I think so. I don't want to be complacent and boring. I think I'm just always looking forward. Work now, settle now, and grind now... to be able to achieve greater things later. Who knows? That's just how it is at the moment. Other reoccurring problems? My lack of ability to promise anything for the future. That pretty much sums that point up right there. I couldn't promise Cailey that we would be together forever and I can't say it for Niela either. I don't feel bad about that. It just seems that the more my girlfriends do and have pushed that issue the less and less I'm able to satisfy them. In the end though things are well. I think that mostly she's just been expecting too much of the relationship because there is so little time left before I leave. I try not to do that and I think I'm successful in doing so however she hasn't seemed to be able to just take things as they come and enjoy the down times as much as the ups. Always wanting every moment to be spectacular. It's hard for me because I want to satisfy her needs but that expectation is unrealistic therefore leaving me to disappoint her...

You live you learn. You live you grow. Who's to know what you've missed, created or destroyed along the way.

I briefly talked about Husky earlier in this post but I would take this time now to elaborate. I hate it. It's boring, stifling, indignant and down right painful to be here. I'm counting the days 'til I can leave. It was great to have had the opportunity but it has become so incestuously vile that I can hardly stand the smell of my office. Want to know how to succeed in the big wide world of business and corporations? Sacrifice your person, your beliefs, your personality and anything that defines you as a free thinking individual. Once this is done hollow out your soul and fill it with the bullshit that spews from the mouths of those above you who have done the same but are full. Then swallow it hard but do not digest it, regurgitate back to whomever you can and let not one molecule have been modified or changed by your person. Fly low and blow smoke. Hope that soon there will be someone underneath you to catch that which you can hold no longer... and if you're lucky there will be. If and once those below you have come make sure to keep only the ones who will do the same as you have done so that you don't appear to be altering that which those above you have passed down. Then settle in and hope that age acts swiftly to move you along the chain of command. Each time it does it will allow you to have to carry less and less bullshit. If it is then your turn to go with age leave it all behind and begin searching for the soul, the mind, the person you sacrificed so many years ago...

On that note I shall conclude. Life is busy, life is hard. I am amongst the fortunate few to have been blessed with such trivial and fickle problems. Thank the gods of a higher calling for blessing me. To good fortune, to good health, to good times and individuality.

Theron Davis

and then there were two

2005-05-19T15:39:00.000-06:00

I went out for dinner last night with my mother. It was nice. We talked without really talking. There's a lot on my mind these days. I feel overwhelmed but I guess that sometimes you just have to deal with that kind of stress alone. There are just a few things that I need to get done in order to feel on top of the game again.

Firstly, I need to get my work under control. It seems that whenever I start getting ahead I'm assigned another job or something has gone wrong that I have to fix. It wouldn't be so bad if I knew how to do what has to be done... but unfortunately being a summer student I don't.

Secondly, I need to clean my room and switch rooms with my room mate. We flipped a coin at the start of this whole extravaganza to decide who would get which room first (either the master bedroom or the other one). He won the toss so he got the master bedroom first. Now however he doesn't seem very interested in moving... I'll admit it's annoying me. Why you ask? For several reasons A) We flipped for it (fair is fair) B) I've been in the smaller bedroom now for three and half months C) There's two people in the smaller bedroom right now... it would make more sense to have two people in the bigger bedroom and D) It's one of those situations where I can't really push the issue because I don't want him to get all pissy and stress out my home environment. I also don't want him to feel like my fox and I are teaming up against him. He's my friend. We moved out together. So I don't want him to feel like now that Niela is here he's a third wheel.

Thirdly, I need to get my financial situation back under control. I seem to be spending too much and always have money owed to me. My sister owes me money, my room mate owes me money, my co-workers owe me money, even my girlfriend owes me some money! I know I'll get the cash but I hate pestering people to pay me back. I always feel bad asking for money from people. I also need to get a second job in order to pay off my credit card and still be able to put the "target" $700/month in the ol' bank account for school. Time is running out. 7 paychecks ‘til departure... which leads me to my next stress contributor.

Every time I'm with Niela I can't help but be a little afraid. I have fallen head over heals for this girl and there's only three and half months left ‘til I leave for school. I've really truly and unavoidably committed my heart and soul to her. I always used to define loving someone who wasn't family as choosing to love someone. Now I've come to understand that I can't help but love this person. So that has forced me to try and define a whole new category... Everything about her is amazing. The way she gets upset, the way she approaches people, the way she is with those she loves and those she doesn't. I see a lot of myself in her or rather we react similarly to many different situations. Aside from just her attractive qualities she's already challenging me to be a better person. She's picked out some (not all) of my character flaws and forces me to see them. So then why am I afraid? Let's just say that I'm afraid of getting hurt. I'm in this. I'm smitten. I couldn't back out if I wanted to. Which I don't. So I feel vulnerable... but she's reassured me that I shouldn't worry and I do trust her. It's just difficult to let yourself be vulnerable when you're whole life you've always been veiled and protected by your wit and your charm. In the end however, this small worry is an insignificant deterrent.

There’s more. I don’t want to get into it though. It’s oppressive. I just need to start slaying these demons one at a time. Life goes on and you just have to enjoy ‘til it doesn’t. Until next time.

Theron Davis

A strange but trivial matter

2005-05-16T10:50:00.000-06:00

"it struck me that I've been waiting since birth to find
A love that would look and sound like a movie"
-Postal Service

Last night I watched Donnie Darko with my baby doll. She fell asleep half way through and serenely slept against my shoulder. It was a beautiful moment. In the past when I've watched movies I've always felt like my life was lacking that incredible uniqueness that movies portray so well. Last night was the first time I felt like my life had its own allure. I've got big plans. I feel alive. I want to keep that feeling alive. Life is what I make it. So here's looking forward to living.

Theron Davis

Healthy again...

2005-05-15T15:32:00.000-06:00

Well here I am. Healthy again. Finally shook the cold that had been haunting me for the past couple weeks. I managed to keep up with work deadlines and had a good time drinking with my co-workers on Friday afternoon. Lot's of people came and in the end a few good ones stuck around for most of the evening. My precious bonded with my work mom and so all in all it was a worthwhile outing. I have to say however I had way too much to drink. I got home at 9:00 and was passed out by 9:15. I Didn't move ‘til 9:00am the next day. I felt alright after a good solid 12 hours of passed out drunk sleep though.

What's on my mind these days? What isn't on my mind these days would be a better question... I'm just trying to keep things from spinning out of control. I've written a list of things I would like to start getting done. Things like working out, running, saving money, getting a second job and so on and so forth. I'll have to look it over again though and really cement those ideas in my mind because I need to start accomplishing them to make sure things stay on the right track. I've been on an extreme high lately and I don't want to crash. So in order to keep things going well I just have to make sure to keep building on the basics. The tallest towers in the world stay standing thanks to a solid base.

My father and I had a big talk the other day. We discussed my love and I living together. It was a productive discussion but I still don't feel resolution about it. Basically he was just saying that he had hoped I would have put more thought into the decision before it was made. Which is fair. The reason I don't feel totally at peace about what we concluded is because I didn't really put much thought into it. Don’t get me wrong I thought about all the ramifications involved in the decision but I was mostly just following my heart... I knew right away that Niela wasn’t going to be leaving. It’s hard to explain how I knew but I just did. When I made the decision to ask her to move in with me I didn't think twice about it. It's just what was going to happen. I do understand where my dad is coming from. He just wants me to realize that by making this decision it’s going to affect the rest of my life. He seems to think it’s the biggest decision I’ve made to date. I’m beginning to see how he’s right. I’m glad that Niela’s living with me and I can honestly say (although it’s scary) that I would be blessed to share the rest of my life with this girl. How do I know? It just feels right. Being with her has taught me what it means to love and be loved. I haven’t even had a chance to get used to being with her yet and already we’re firing on all cylinders. We’re so fresh but I can trust her with everything. When I step back and look at what’s happening I can’t believe how fortunate I’ve been to have met Niela. I feel vulnerable but I know that not only can I trust Niela but that even if things were to go badly it would have been worth it.

‘Love, like a fine wine, only gets better with time.’

I’ll end on that note. My thoughts are still developing so I’ll allow them time to breath. Adieu.

Theron Davis

Cry Havoc! and let loose the dogs of war...

2005-05-06T14:35:00.000-06:00

Hello again. I've been quite inspired these days so I've decided to write yet another post. It's also Friday afternoon and the office is less than conducive towards productivity at the moment so I'll milk it for all it's worth. Work smart not hard... as I like to say.

New thoughts? Well. When I leave to go out east for school this coming fall there's almost no way I'm going to let my new found fox get away from me. I've been looking into job opportunities and renting and that sort of thing for her so that we can at least make an educated decision. However, even if she did come we have to look at the bigger picture. It won't be fair for her to simply up and move out east because that's where I've been accepted and have decided to go to school. In a healthy relationship you have to have two equally important parties that make decisions together. I hadn't met Niela though when I made the decision to study out east. So I'm kind of stuck with the choice I had previously made. Not that it was a bad choice. St.FX is the #1 undergraduate university in Canada right now and it will be incredibly beneficial in terms of alumni support and job opportunities after graduation. The cultural experience alone will be life altering. Alberta is such a money hungry "Americanized" province that to spend 4 years learning how eastern Canadians think would be a character building experience for sure... When it really comes down to it there's no way I'm not going out east for school. I just have to find out how to make it fair for Niela to come with me. When I think about it it's not "would it work?" it's more like "how can I make it work". When I think of her I think of someone that I would love to spend a long time with. Now that may sound silly but really think about it for a second. She's someone that I would honestly plan on being around during every stage of my life. She's become someone I'd like to include in my future as opposed to just being someone I'm seeing... I don't know. Hard to explain but I'll have to keep up the research because if anything is going to happen it will have to be planned out early.

On a lighter note my baby doll was feeling pretty sick last night. I don't think she got much sleep. I was too bagged to do what I should have done but I will make it up to her tonight. Some Vics, Halls, Cough Syrup, Neo Citrine... A charming cocktail of cough medicines. Hopefully it will allow her to recover and be in good shape for some dancing Saturday night.

Well. It seems I always get to the point where I feel like I've wandered too far into the jungle that is my mind. So I leave you now, with the edge of the trees still within your sight. Until next time.

theron davis

The art of War...

2005-05-05T17:12:00.000-06:00

Well. It's been quite some time since I last wrote. Considering my last post was my first post that doesn't bode well for the consistency of this blog. However! I have good reason to have missed posting. It seems that life has unexpectedly blessed me with love. Despite everything that's happened in the past and all the times I said I would never fall in love again I have inevitable been drawn back into the human condition of truly, undeniably and irresistibly falling in love. My little fox has flipped my world upside down and I'm scrambling to reorganize it in a way that suits the both of us. I know what you're thinking. My last post wasn't "that" long ago. Meeting her was like meeting someone I'd known for years though. Everything about her seems to click with me. She's smart, gorgeous, we enjoy a similar sense of humor, she's sociable and charismatic, she's caring, she's from a small town and she's generous, she’s accepts me for who I am... The list could go on. I'll spare you...

Since we've met my definition of love seems to have been dissolved and is recrystallizing with every waking moment I spend by her side. I've become totally irrational and couldn't be more sure that my thinking is clearer than ever. Obviously those around me are having a hard time adjusting to everything that's going on but that's because they don't understand. Had I told myself a month ago that I would meet someone and move in with them in the next couple weeks I would have laughed! When I think about it now I can only think how sad it would have been not to have this person in my life.

Where am I going from here? I'm trying to take everyday for what it's worth. Not getting too far ahead of myself while at the same time dreaming of what's possibly to come...

I'd write more, but she's waiting for me at home. Our home. So I leave you with that much for now. Regardless of anything that happens I'm glad I got to report this as it is a moment in my life I don't want to ever forget...

Carpe Diem

Theron Davis

Every journey begins with one step

2005-04-15T16:42:00.000-06:00

Welcome,

While deciding whether or not to write this blog I sat myself down and thought long and hard about why anyone in their right mind would ever read it. However I came to the conclusion that if my happenings could somehow be misconstrued as entertaining to even one random person out there on the web that may haphazardly stumble upon my blog then I suppose it could be deemed as a productive endeavor. Obviously that was not the only thought that crossed my mind, several other advantages presented themselves as well. For example: Next year when I go away for school it may be a nice way for those that I am leaving behind to keep in the know on most things Theron. It could also be a nice way for me to track the experiences and challenges I am going to be faced with. Who knows, I might even say something that's worth being recorded. Regardless here is where we start. Let me paint you a picture to catch you up on the excitement that is building...

I would like to start this story somewhere about a year ago. I had just finished my first year of "university" and was not at all in a right state of mind. The reason I say "university" is because the majority of the year was spent sleeping or stewing in my own self loathing... I had been on a downwards slide since grade 10 and it seemed to have culminated in a spectacularly disastrous waste of a year at university in Calgary. I lacked any form of motivation. I quite simply just didn't care. Most of my days involved hexic and msn conversations, sleeping, Ultimate Frisbee, and then more sleeping. I hadn't had a job for many months and was sadly scrapping by in my 3 classes (which I never attended) with C's. I was going through a tough break up with a long time girlfriend that I had unfortunately in the past managed to consume myself with so as to avoid myself. However... the year ended. I was still alive, and framing houses was calling. I needed a job where I could make some cash and so I went to work with my father. We worked long and hard that summer. I learnt to frame houses, we learnt to hate each other, we learnt to love each other... it was truly an excellent summer! Somehow the long hours, the brutal work, the hot sun... getting a tan, getting in shape... it all added up to a new outlook on life. Framing with my father in the summer of 2004 was exactly what the doctor ordered. It got me motivated again and so once the summer was over I followed through with my plan to take some time off school and got a job at a call center. I worked there from October to December and was finally able to make a clean break with my ex-girlfriend once I got out and about in the workforce. I'm glad we decided to walk our separate paths. It was the only choice we had left and in retrospect it should have been made a long time before it was... however water under the bridge. Listen closely now as the story is drawing nearer to present day. After working at the call center and making some decent cash I was presented with an opportunity to work with Husky Energy (a big Oil company). My cousin who has worked for Husky for several years told me about the opportunity to work as a student intern provided I would be returning to school in the fall. I had originally planned on returning to school when I felt ready (not necessarily fall of 2005) but thankfully this made me get my ass back in gear. So I applied and got an interview. Did well in the interview and got a job offer. Took the job. And here I am working at Husky Oil in my own office at 19 waiting till September 1st when I'll be returning to school for Political Science at St. Francis Xavier... phew... that's it... in a nut shell.

So where do we go from here? Well as you can tell even within that very brief outline of the past year of my life there are things I could rant on about for hours. For the first post however I'll leave it at that and keep you wanting more. Until next time!